The midnight sky began to grow even darker over the murky
water of Cowan Lake. The trees blew around in a swirling sort of motion, and
loud cracks of thunder rolled in the distance. An ugly storm was brewing, and every troop of
girls was in their respective cabins for the night unable to sleep for two
reasons: One, we were a large group of
nine year old girls having a campout, it’s pretty self-explanatory. Two, the
storm was so loud it rattled the bunks of every cabin in the campground, making
it nearly impossible to get any sort of shut eye. But suddenly, it got quiet.
So quiet, that not one rustle of a tree branch or creak of a cabin wall was
heard. The roaring wind had altogether stopped, and all of the girls in my
cabin sat up from their beds in fear, including myself. My mother, who was the
leader of our Girl Scout troop, was in a separate cabin than us, along with the
leaders of the other troops. I was only nine years old at the time, but I knew
what was about to happen: a tornado. A few moments later, my mom burst through
the door of our cabin and told us to hurry to the main lodge. We all huddled under a couple of mattresses,
and made our way up the hill. The rain was pouring down so hard and the
lightning so bright, that we could barely tell where we were going. When I got
to the lodge, I looked around for my mom. I saw most of the other leaders, but
not her. Why wasn’t she there yet? I
looked out the windows of the lodge and saw pieces of what appeared to be a
barn roof, as well as fragments of a fence flying through the sky. I began to grow
more and more worried as the minutes passed and my mom was not there. Suddenly, the door to the lodge swung open,
and there were the last of the leaders, including my mom. In my nine years of life, I had never felt so
relieved as I did in that moment.
This is a very good start! I like the suspense you create, and I'm interested to read more. Maybe elaborate on your relationship with your mother more? Good job!
ReplyDelete-Emily
Alicia,
ReplyDeleteI think Emily's right. In the midst of this scene, you could tell me more about what your mom means: maybe she's always there for you; maybe she's always making things safe; maybe she couldn't this time.
In the scene itself, can you really out yourself there again? I think if you get back into that mindset, you'll remember things like: what the other girls said; what the mattresses felt like; what your mom's face looked like when you saw her.
Those sorts of details will make this "Alicia's Tornado Scene" instead of "Tornado Scene."
This is a good start, though.
DW
Alicia,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I love the part about nine-year old girls not sleeping because it's a sleepover- so true! You really vividly describe the storm in the beginning. It really allows me to see it in head. I have always been afraid of tornadoes so I can imagine how terrifying that would be!
I think the end lends itself to more description and reflection about while you were waiting and what it was like when your mom came in. This sounds like such a powerful moment and I would love to read more about it!
Great job!
This experience sounds truly terrifying, and I'd say that's the mark of a well-put together piece regarding a tornado. I agree that a bit more information regarding your relationship with your mother would be nice, and so would more details on what exactly was going through your head as you continued to worry more and more.
ReplyDelete