This is in a way, the beginnings of my essay. For my essay, I plan to interview Vicki Butcher, who was the advisor of Kappa Phi last year and lives in Athens. This is a description of her from my point of view, before I interview her.
Vicki is a person who reminds me a lot of my grandmother. She is patient, kind, and loving toward all of her Kappa Phi girls. Maybe that's why we call her "mom", because she cares about us as if she were the mother of our whole group. Vicki is somewhat short, wears glasses, and dyes her short hair a shade of brown. She lives in Athens, but I don't think that she has always lived here her whole life. I know that she has kids. I forget their names, but she talks about them all the time. I remember every week at chapter meetings she would sit quietly in the corner of the room in what we all called "Vicki's chair", which was an old rocking chair that was painted black with gold detail. She would just watch the meetings, just smiling and keeping to herself as us students discuss details of our service projects ad socials. I really only knew her for one semester before Michelle, our new advisor, took over. However, even though I only knew her for a short time, I was sad just like the other girls when she announced to us that she was retiring. She comes back every now and again to see how we are doing, and Michelle is a wonderful advisor too, but all of us miss "mom".
It is very obvious that I need to gather more information and perfect this... a lot.
I think this is a good start to your short essay. I do however think that you could use a little bit more physical description of her. Maybe try comparing her to some kind of object to paint more of a picture to the reader. I would like to know her facial features and how short or tall she may be.
ReplyDeleteI think the physical description could be woven into the essay at your own pace, so this could be fine. In that matter, this would seem very fitting in the essay itself. As a blog piece meant to focus on physical description, I agree with Danielle. We only really get that she is short, wears glasses and dyes her short hair brown. Facial features (including eyes, perhaps a striking aspect of her smile, etc.) would go a long way.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the more physical description comment, but I think you do a good job of capturing her essence and how people feel about her. The details you include are unique and add flavor, especially the part about her chair. Is there anything about her appearance that is specifically motherly? Anything that reminds you of your mother? A good start!
ReplyDeleteAlicia,
ReplyDeleteGood. So I'd avoid blanket statements about kindness and love. These sorts of things just make us think about people we love who we think are kind. In order for you to do justice to Vicki, you need to make her into a specific person who's only Vicki. What only describes her and not others?
Also, think about audience. While Kappa Phi is no doubt a wonderful organization, those on the outside likely don't care quite as much about it as you do (Now that I read that, it sounds harsh, but it isn't intended to be. Ha!). So I'd limit stuff about the group. Certainly you need to bring it up because that's how you know your subject. And if it feels natural to write more about the doings and values of the group, and how those activities and values help you understand Vicki, then that's great. Otherwise, I'd limit discussion of it.
I'm hoping you're having Ice Tea with Vicki this weekend. Then you'll just be able to tell us a story about the conversation.
Dave